There's
so much wrong in the mainstream media's reaction to the rise in
veganism, but this month's award for vicious, malicious and downright
ridiculous has to go to The Evening Standard for “That Vegan Face Article”.
Freelance
lifestyle writer Phoebe Luckhurst has penned such articles as Meet
London's New Generation of Conservative MPs and What your Facebook
Profile Picture Actually Says About You. She could have told the
features editor to fuck right off, but instead she put her name to
what will elicit a guaranteed belly laugh from future generations –
That Vegan Face Article.
“Do
you have vegan face?” the headline asks, “How to avoid a
lacklustre complexion resulting from protein absence.”
Vegans,
Phoebe says, are often dismissed as “faddy, neurotic or picky...
weak, anaemic — literally and figuratively — and joyless”.
And
if that's not enough, those people crankish enough to omit
slaughterhouse produce from the dining table now face another barrier
to functioning in a normal world – vegan face. “Simply, vegan
face is a name for a slack, wasted look that is caused by an absence
of protein in your diet,” reports Cambridge graduate Phoebe. “The
skin is dry, sallow and flaky. Protein literally props up the face:
it makes it look plump (in a good way) and fresh-faced and wakeful.”
As
the jets of steam coming out of their ears give outraged thinking
people a free facial, Phoebe assures us the vegan face is: “Rooted
in science: dermatologists report that the rise of veganism is
causing an according rise in what they are calling 'vegan face'.”
Science? Experts? Who?
Step
forward Inge Theron, founder of Face Gym. “We noticed a lack of
elasticity,” she observes, which the company claims to have cured
with a specially-designed facial treatment. This involves selling you
supplements (£610.00 a box on the company's website) and having a go
on a massage contraption, a laser contraption and a radio frequency
contraption. The company will also flog you a face oil, rather than
the traditional non-vegan snake oil, which at one time was sold to
ill-educated and gullible people in the wild west. And the Face Gym
will proffer any advice on diet, supplements and nutrition you didn't
already know or got for free by reading or asking other people.
Talking
of getting stuff for free, one-time beauty writer Inge seems quite
adept at landing herself free write-ups in the papers – the Daily
Mail gave her a similar acreage when she launched her Chelsea-based
company in 2014.
“The
effects of veganism are reversible,” Inge reassures, “if you fuel
your body with rich, plant-based protein, fermented plant and pre-
and pro-skin biotics and look at collagen supplements.”
The
detrimental effects of capitalism can also be reversed. Through a
good balanced diet, an enquiring mind and supplementary
self-education.
They smear food on each other's faces, rather than eating it
Face
Gym's advice to separate you from your money is supported by Chelsea
facialist Nataliya Robinson, whose treatment Phoebe also recommends.
I'm guessing she got a free trip there to try Nataliya's “vegan
peel” method (advertised cost on Nataliya's website: £160.00),
which sounds like she wiped a smoothie of blueberry, orange and lemon
over her mush, before wiping it all off again. Hasn't put Phoebe off.
But be warned, The Vegan Facial is just one corner of Nataliya's
omnivorous palette – her treatments also include smearing honey on
your face (£150.00) or caviar (£300,00). Not vegan.
What do vegans eat instead of protein?
If
you're scared you might not be eating any protein at all, Phoebe
recommends you “try the holy trinity of tofu, quinoa, beans” and
improve your looks with “strong exfoliaters to slough off all the
dry skin cells”.
Inge
adds her two penn'orth: try eating avocado, nuts, lentils and split
peas. Hey, why not smear them on your face and wipe them off again!
What harm can that do to a moneyed-and-slightly-neurotic West London
resident? Thanks! My face feels as light as my wallet.
The
article declined to comment on the effect of protein/fat-rich meat
and dairy diets have on the complexion. We can only assume burgers,
cheese, milkshakes and sausage rolls make skin something akin to
finely-crafted porcelain.
So
remember vegans, eat stuff like the stuff you probably eat already
.... or your face will look like a bag of shite.
